i grew up to be afraid of god.

not in the poetic way. not awe. just fear. fear of being watched. fear of doing it wrong. fear that if i asked the wrong question or did the wrong thing, he'd turn his face away from me forever.

i tried to be good. really. i tried to pray the right way, act the right way, say the right things. i swallowed my questions. i hid my doubt. i was taught that god was love and forgiveness, but the fear of hell was a very real thing. matthew 7:23 was quoted a lot. "depart from me, i never knew you." and i was so scared that jesus would turn me away. that i wasn't "good enough".

and i lived like that for years. small. scared. ashamed. i feared death because i was SO afraid of divine punishment, even tho i couldn't think of anything i had done that would be unforgivable.

but god never stopped feeling real to me. even when i stopped going to church. even when i cursed him, even when i told him i was done. he never left. just waited.